Jewish Attitudes to Marital Breakdown and Re-marriage

A valued commitment, but not an unbreakable marriage

Judaism regards marriage as a sacred relationship, intended to provide lasting companionship and commitment. Genesis 2:24 describes husband and wife becoming ‘one flesh’. Ending that relationship is therefore a serious matter, rather than something to undertake casually.

Nevertheless, both Orthodox and Reform Judaism permit divorce. Valuing marriage does not mean that every marriage must continue regardless of its circumstances. Where possible, couples may seek advice, counselling and reconciliation first. If the relationship cannot be repaired, divorce can be preferable to continued unhappiness.

Separation means that the couple live apart but remain married. It may give them time to consider reconciliation or be a step towards divorce. Separation alone does not make either partner free to remarry.

Adultery breaks faith with a spouse

Adultery is a sexual relationship involving a married person and someone other than their spouse. Exodus 20:14 commands: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ This is one of the Ten Commandments and provides a clear religious basis for marital faithfulness.

Both Orthodox and Reform Jews condemn adultery. It breaks the commitment made in marriage and can damage trust, hurt a spouse and disrupt family life. Their differences over religious divorce should not be mistaken for disagreement about whether faithfulness matters.

Adultery can be a reason for marital breakdown and divorce. However, accepting divorce after betrayal is different from approving the betrayal itself: ending a damaged marriage does not make adultery morally acceptable.

What the prescribed texts teach about divorce

Deuteronomy 24:1–4 describes a husband writing a ‘certificate of divorce’, giving it to his wife and sending her away. It then describes her becoming another man’s wife. This passage recognises divorce and remarriage and provides the scriptural basis for a written Jewish divorce document, the get.

The passage also places a restriction on remarriage. If the woman marries a second husband and that marriage ends through divorce or his death, her first husband must not marry her again. It therefore does not give unrestricted permission for every possible remarriage.

Talmud Gittin 90b expresses the sadness of marital breakdown: ‘When a man puts aside the wife of his youth, even the very altar weeps.’ The image of a weeping altar links the loss of the marriage to religious sorrow. It supports treating divorce seriously, but it should not be interpreted as an absolute ban: Jewish law allows divorce.

Together, these teachings express two ideas that must be held in balance: marriage deserves protection, yet its ending can be recognised and regulated.

Orthodox divorce: why the get matters

Orthodox Judaism distinguishes a civil divorce from a religious divorce. In the UK, a civil divorce ends the marriage in state law. A properly issued get is also needed to end a Jewish marriage under Jewish law.

The traditional process follows the pattern in Deuteronomy: the husband gives the get to his wife. The document is prepared under religious supervision, with the process overseen by a Bet Din, or Jewish religious court, and witnessed by two Jewish witnesses. It is a formal legal act, not simply a statement that the couple no longer wish to live together.

A wife can seek a divorce, but the traditional requirement for her husband to give the get can create difficulties if he refuses. A woman left unable to obtain a religious divorce is an agunah, a ‘chained’ woman. Even after a civil divorce, she cannot remarry under Orthodox Jewish law without the get.

This creates an important ethical issue. Supporters of the traditional process argue that religious marriage must be ended according to Jewish law. Critics argue that withholding a get can give one spouse unfair power over the other and prevent a person from rebuilding their life.

Reform approaches: equality, civil law and religious closure

Reform Jews also value marriage, but generally place greater emphasis on adapting religious practice to contemporary circumstances and equality between spouses. This can lead to different approaches to ending a marriage.

Practice is not uniform. In the United States, Reform Judaism accepts civil divorce as sufficient to dissolve the marriage and permit remarriage. This reflects the principle that the law of the state is binding. A get is not required there, although some rabbis recommend one so that the divorce will be recognised by other Jewish communities. Outside the United States, many Reform rabbis require a get before remarriage. It is therefore inaccurate to say that every Reform Jew needs only a civil divorce.

Some American Reform communities offer an optional ritual of release, called Seder P’reidah, after civil divorce. It provides spiritual closure, encourages former spouses to treat each other respectfully and recognises continuing responsibilities towards children. It is not an Orthodox-valid get. This illustrates how a community can accept the legal ending of a marriage while still recognising its emotional and religious significance.

Weighing commitment against the need for a new beginning

An argument for making divorce a last resort is that marriage involves lasting promises. Counselling and reconciliation may preserve a worthwhile relationship and reduce disruption for the family. The sorrow expressed in Gittin 90b strengthens this argument.

An argument for permitting divorce is that preserving the legal form of a marriage does not necessarily preserve a loving relationship. Where reconciliation is impossible, ending the marriage may reduce suffering and allow both partners to begin again. Deuteronomy’s recognition of divorce and remarriage supports the view that marital commitment need not mean remaining married forever in every circumstance.

A justified conclusion can therefore distinguish between protecting marriage and preventing divorce at any cost. Both Orthodox and Reform Judaism permit a new beginning, but differ over what religious procedures are necessary and how to balance traditional law, equality and recognition by other Jewish communities.

Shared attitudes

• Marriage is sacred and intended to last; reconciliation is encouraged where possible.
• Both Orthodox and Reform Judaism condemn adultery and permit divorce.
• Separation leaves the couple married; it does not itself permit remarriage.

Three essential authorities

• Exodus 20:14: ‘You shall not commit adultery’ — marital faithfulness.
• Deuteronomy 24:1–4: written divorce certificate; recognises remarriage, but forbids return to the first husband after an intervening marriage ends.
• Gittin 90b: ‘even the very altar weeps’ — divorce is sorrowful, not absolutely forbidden.

Orthodox and Reform distinctions

• Orthodox: civil divorce and a get are needed. The husband gives the get through the religious process. Refusal can leave a woman an agunah, unable to remarry under Jewish law.
• Reform: practice varies. American Reform accepts civil divorce alone; many Reform rabbis elsewhere require a get. An optional ritual of release offers spiritual closure but is not an Orthodox-valid get.

Evaluation balance

Protect commitment and seek reconciliation versus prevent continued suffering and allow a new beginning. Consider whether the divorce procedure respects both religious law and fairness between spouses.